i've gotten to a point where Awe is continual, for long spans of time where i can perceive it the sounds of Wonder are ever-true, and all i want is to stop... and be stunned. To pay my humblest respects to All, of Creation.
i want to eat light, sip and get high, stand way the fuck down, be vague and accountable only to the truth of the moment, and just be stunned.
That's the only thing I want. For real. No striving. Just being.
And Healing, please.
i came limping before Mother Earth, buckshot in my soul; i was bleeding into my right eye. She took me in, unconditionally, with this tender care i had never imagined existed on this crazy planet, but a smile open, and trust—well-founded i vow—thank you.
come in she said,
and gave me
shelter from the storm.
like a rain squall to a million local plants
who drink in sustenance
and reach for the light.
Life continues well. That's our birthright, living well. never forget.
twice scared, ages 5 and 44,
twice hurt, 18 and 50.
The first was blunt impact, enough that i was thrown through to the hard concrete completely out of the blue, sudden.
i was running, little me age five, in los angeles, and i was running south on woodman around the corner from erwin street, van nuys.
apartment building at the corner, right to the edge, massive to me, maybe new, but 3 floors, right to the sidewalk, straight up. no trees, no adornments, no alcoves to let nature through, just pure utilitarian mid-century L.A. stucco.
it had an alley back to the parking on the far end of the sidewalk—before the realty store and the train-tracks beyond—almost entirely hidden by the sheer wall of the main building. No markers to its arrival as i ran south on woodman.
i was excited to be running—or not—but i think i must have been, excited and very glad to be out and heading somewhere important, the hardware store, or the pharmacy to get gum. i think now about the joy of running; then i just ran, then BAM! car—impact—fear-pain, stabs, hard ground, pain pain first thought i'm going to get busted for getting hit, see grown-up, out of car, ouch help!
and i got up super shaky fast, flinching back from cars whizzing near, envisioning getting yelled at, exhaust fumes settling around and i need to breathe hard, no bones broken nor organs split so i picked me up and started away.
it was as if this vast explosive wave had smashed clean through me, like light through clear glass, yet i was up, stunned, moving back north, away from the crash site as fast as i could limp and cry and flee, to try to find a bush to hide under and tend my wounds.