so first essay after the new rule (until i change it) starts w/ me realizing that for some weird reason i take care of myself better than ever.

not as if i am directly preparing for end of life, but b/c i need stamina and strength to grieve, and ...

isolation

this is a key sentence, from the inter webs today:

"How does one tell the untraumatized majority about the conditions that constitute the underworld of trauma?"

from a war vet, interesting. you know all the stuff, but interesting, and glad to see that sentence out there.

the craziest moment ...

It didn't this time last year. Imagine that, for real, for a moment...

Springtime, and instead of being spacious enough to appreciate the majestic brilliance of new buds and longer, less cold days, imagine it's a time of sadness, how the alacrity of spring will accelerate your not ...

What is PTSD?

It's a disordered state. It is a near continual line of dis-ease strecthing across day, months, years. Like some people dealing with diabetes or alchoholism or fibromyalgia, it sometimes never goes away. People live w/ PTSD forever.

That means they are basically never calm, usually scared ...

faster

Fuck! i did not want to be here, where my muscles don't fit in my body, where my dear nervous system feels danger in ten times as many places as a week ago, where my brain must sort out 10 times as many false alarms, where my adrenals ...