the "Inside PTSD" collection:

  1. inside ptsd
  2. inside ptsd, the mad list
  3. inside ptsd, backstory
  4. inside ptsd, fleeing
  5. inside ptsd, two
  6. inside ptsd, remediation
  7. inside ptsd, three, rage
  8. inside ptsd, transaction costs
  9. time shift, inside the ptsd
  10. time shift three
  11. time shift two, still inside the ptsd
  12. inside ptsd, the addiction episode
  13. survive vs heal
  14. inside ptsd, body knows
  15. inside ptsd, body knows, part one
  16. one hour
  17. that same afternoon
  18. inside ptsd, more than a recollection
  19. inside ptsd, body knows 2
  20. acceptance.
  21. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
  22. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
  23. inside ptsd, a student of trauma
  24. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
  25. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
  26. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
  27. inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
  28. acute
  29. inside my midlife ptsd
  30. one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
  31. inside ptsd, mere survival
  32. inside ptsd, economics
  33. one day, at night, inside ptsd
  34. on the outside, looking in
  35. inside ptsd, in the wind
  36. inside ptsd, in the wind, two
  37. a is for anxiety
  38. inside ptsd, the last match
  39. inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
  40. inside ptsd, outside looking in
  41. Day Three, Haunted
  42. inside ptsd, what it is
  43. inside ptsd, it takes time
  44. inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
  45. before the aftermath

possibly related

so first essay after the new rule (until i change it) starts w/ me realizing that for some weird reason i take care of myself better than ever.

not as if i am directly preparing for end of life, but b/c i need stamina and strength to grieve, and explore grief, as i must. there are other edge dwellers to face, fear and hurt, but the longer i earnestly work my pracitce, the closer i get to being ok w/ whatever transpires, b/c i am Love. i am Love embodied as this particular life form, for this wee span of time, but that merely means i am this one wave on the ocean over here [waves hand in a non-drowning way].

i eat better, i rest mindfully, i swim and bike not in a manic transmutation of stress hormones, but in a gentle tending to this body mind i dwell in.

Today stings, life too short thoughts, body ok, mind afraid thoughts, and i know meditation and yoga are lifesavers but Shayne. the first time said i was to goto the edge then come back and tell about. Working the Edge.

We have sacred lives and stories to tell

words coming easy today sg

words spilled everywhere, messy no cleanup, they flow naturally, some re-re-reading of nisargadatta dislodged something, was a further ripening of my soul

confirmation again that we are Love

that we come from Love

i let them get on my feet, between my toes, in my hair, dripping into my eyes.

we are Love embodied in form for a while

and the words are just sacred work i get to do

-head bowed, hands to heart-

like carrying water or staring down into sulfurous caverns and deciding to bless the demons

i get to go to edges and explore bc i can't lose

but without arrogance or expectation

i can't be unmade from Love

oh mad humility

mad tender care to my body mind for carrying me forth

and for withstanding assaults and confusion

my mourning is not b/c i don't like life, but bc i love life

dearly and deeply

and i only mourn days that won't be lived.

but that's then, b/c i am still here


largely able

exactly that. those are my tears

grace finds loving hearts

and what disrespect it would be to not appreciate even the small gift of time i have

what gift of uncrippled body

what gift of mostly sane and cognizant mind.

so my shoulders hurt and i sleep too little and i battle demon-thoughts

i get to breathe

and meditate on Love

and be Loving

and work in ways that are like flowers reaching for the sun.

i get all that today and that's incredible.

it's like there's less of me but i see way way More.

and More is Love.

like ripening

like Nis says, just stay earnest

and this: "There is a difference between work and mere activity. All nature works. Work is nature, nature is work. On the other hand, activity is based on desire and fear, on longing to possess and enjoy, on fear of pain and annihilation. Work is by the whole for the whole, activity is by oneself for oneself."


There is nothing we can do, we can only let things happen according to their nature. Clarity and charity is action. Love is not lazy and clarity directs. You need not worry about action, look after your mind and heart. Stupidity and selfishness are the only evil. "

"It is earnestness that is indispensable, the crucial factor. Sadhana is only a vessel and it must be filled to the brim with earnestness, which is but love in action. For nothing can be done without love. "It is earnestness that is indispensable, the crucial factor. Sadhana is only a vessel and it must be filled to the brim with earnestness, which is but love in action. For nothing can be done without love."

"A quiet mind is all you need. All else will happen rightly, once your mind is quiet. As the sun on rising makes the world active, so does self-awareness affect changes in the mind. In the light of calm and steady self-awareness, inner energies wake up and work miracles without any effort on your part. " keep the faith in Love

don't expect payoff or reward every second

from transient things

dwell quietly in what Is

b/c what Is is Love

the Tao: do nothing, yet leave nothing undone.

St Augustine: Love, and do what you will.

etc. and so on and hi.

i'm finally excited about words again

this makes sense, right?

b/c what i was thinking is that i know all this now. i own that.

which means me dwelling in sadness, or "sadness" or whatever is me missing something

not seeing something

not remembering something about All Love

and there are ways in, breathing paths, caring paths

and i know those too.

so when i don't feel like elevating, that's ok, b/c maybe that's part of the sacred work

to witness and watch, and learn about myself

and ok, here's to tell about it...

one day, long ago, 7am this morning, i had a thought...

i decided to let it, and watch it.

i was a bit startled at first

that i didn't jump upon its invitation to be fascinated, engaged, sucked in.

i just watched,

and smiled blessings, and then the thought went away, and disappeared from me and i was quiet again.

b/c what nis says is earnestness is the most important, that you just work your practice every day, even for a few minutes, and like fruit on the tree, we too will ripen.

i read a ton of nis after the whole situation w/ rachel in 2013

about desire and studying myself. it was huge.

then i put it down for 18 months and, in survival mode, the words had less utility.

in almost quiet despair, exhausted this month, i reached out again, and the timing was perfect.

i was ready to know and understand more.

for that, i feel mad grateful.

and mostly b/c i was wise enough to continue my practice

even while mad fighting for surival

and that's what you do sg!!!!

you practice even amid the 'gunfire' in your mind

you still hold to Love

you show up despite the shrapnel

you keep your practice as you keep your vigil.

i know. and the toll that takes on body mind is enormous

i never for a second disavow a single particle of that sg

and never will

what took time, takes time, to unwind and rectify.


people want me to survive, like people actually way love me and gain, from me being still around.

see, when way bad things happen that rip you very soul so it bleeds fast and messy, when that happens, doubt creeps in up the bloodstream, fear of unworthiness

a shell broke, so i could emerge, again, nearer the Light.

bless all who helped me on the way, for real.

doing it without such Love seems impossible.

something broke today, like the depression broke in mid-april. a cotyledon again...

tell me which way the wind blows on this one and we'll sail thus


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