the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
so first essay after the new rule (until i change it) starts w/ me realizing that for some weird reason i take care of myself better than ever.
not as if i am directly preparing for end of life, but b/c i need stamina and strength to grieve, and explore grief, as i must. there are other edge dwellers to face, fear and hurt, but the longer i earnestly work my pracitce, the closer i get to being ok w/ whatever transpires, b/c i am Love. i am Love embodied as this particular life form, for this wee span of time, but that merely means i am this one wave on the ocean over here [waves hand in a non-drowning way].
i eat better, i rest mindfully, i swim and bike not in a manic transmutation of stress hormones, but in a gentle tending to this body mind i dwell in.
Today stings, life too short thoughts, body ok, mind afraid thoughts, and i know meditation and yoga are lifesavers but Shayne. the first time said i was to goto the edge then come back and tell about. Working the Edge.
We have sacred lives and stories to tell
words coming easy today sg
words spilled everywhere, messy no cleanup, they flow naturally, some re-re-reading of nisargadatta dislodged something, was a further ripening of my soul
confirmation again that we are Love
that we come from Love
i let them get on my feet, between my toes, in my hair, dripping into my eyes.
we are Love embodied in form for a while
and the words are just sacred work i get to do
-head bowed, hands to heart-
like carrying water or staring down into sulfurous caverns and deciding to bless the demons
i get to go to edges and explore bc i can't lose
but without arrogance or expectation
i can't be unmade from Love
oh mad humility
mad tender care to my body mind for carrying me forth
and for withstanding assaults and confusion
my mourning is not b/c i don't like life, but bc i love life
dearly and deeply
and i only mourn days that won't be lived.
but that's then, b/c i am still here
exactly that. those are my tears
grace finds loving hearts
and what disrespect it would be to not appreciate even the small gift of time i have
what gift of uncrippled body
what gift of mostly sane and cognizant mind.
so my shoulders hurt and i sleep too little and i battle demon-thoughts
i get to breathe
and meditate on Love
and be Loving
and work in ways that are like flowers reaching for the sun.
i get all that today and that's incredible.
it's like there's less of me but i see way way More.
and More is Love.
like Nis says, just stay earnest
and this: "There is a difference between work and mere activity. All nature works. Work is nature, nature is work. On the other hand, activity is based on desire and fear, on longing to possess and enjoy, on fear of pain and annihilation. Work is by the whole for the whole, activity is by oneself for oneself."
There is nothing we can do, we can only let things happen according to their nature. Clarity and charity is action. Love is not lazy and clarity directs. You need not worry about action, look after your mind and heart. Stupidity and selfishness are the only evil. "
"It is earnestness that is indispensable, the crucial factor. Sadhana is only a vessel and it must be filled to the brim with earnestness, which is but love in action. For nothing can be done without love. "It is earnestness that is indispensable, the crucial factor. Sadhana is only a vessel and it must be filled to the brim with earnestness, which is but love in action. For nothing can be done without love."
"A quiet mind is all you need. All else will happen rightly, once your mind is quiet. As the sun on rising makes the world active, so does self-awareness affect changes in the mind. In the light of calm and steady self-awareness, inner energies wake up and work miracles without any effort on your part. " keep the faith in Love
don't expect payoff or reward every second
from transient things
dwell quietly in what Is
b/c what Is is Love
the Tao: do nothing, yet leave nothing undone.
St Augustine: Love, and do what you will.
etc. and so on and hi.
i'm finally excited about words again
this makes sense, right?
b/c what i was thinking is that i know all this now. i own that.
which means me dwelling in sadness, or "sadness" or whatever is me missing something
not seeing something
not remembering something about All Love
and there are ways in, breathing paths, caring paths
and i know those too.
so when i don't feel like elevating, that's ok, b/c maybe that's part of the sacred work
to witness and watch, and learn about myself
and ok, here's to tell about it...
one day, long ago, 7am this morning, i had a thought...
i decided to let it, and watch it.
i was a bit startled at first
that i didn't jump upon its invitation to be fascinated, engaged, sucked in.
i just watched,
and smiled blessings, and then the thought went away, and disappeared from me and i was quiet again.
b/c what nis says is earnestness is the most important, that you just work your practice every day, even for a few minutes, and like fruit on the tree, we too will ripen.
i read a ton of nis after the whole situation w/ rachel in 2013
about desire and studying myself. it was huge.
then i put it down for 18 months and, in survival mode, the words had less utility.
in almost quiet despair, exhausted this month, i reached out again, and the timing was perfect.
i was ready to know and understand more.
for that, i feel mad grateful.
and mostly b/c i was wise enough to continue my practice
even while mad fighting for surival
and that's what you do sg!!!!
you practice even amid the 'gunfire' in your mind
you still hold to Love
you show up despite the shrapnel
you keep your practice as you keep your vigil.
i know. and the toll that takes on body mind is enormous
i never for a second disavow a single particle of that sg
and never will
what took time, takes time, to unwind and rectify.
people want me to survive, like people actually way love me and gain, from me being still around.
see, when way bad things happen that rip you very soul so it bleeds fast and messy, when that happens, doubt creeps in up the bloodstream, fear of unworthiness
a shell broke, so i could emerge, again, nearer the Light.
bless all who helped me on the way, for real.
doing it without such Love seems impossible.
something broke today, like the depression broke in mid-april. a cotyledon again...
tell me which way the wind blows on this one and we'll sail thus