i am ok, safe ap, decent,
i am tripping hard on what comes after full on survival, b/c that's all i've known this past few years, and when i was younger, and yet i feel i am moving past that. perhaps others are to at a place in healing or trauma recovery where space appears for what comes after mere survival.
that's not to say that surviving ever stops. what seems to be happening is that surviving remains continual, b/c bodymind can't stand it otherwise, but there is a lessening of the fervor needed "survive". "Survive" is in quotes b/c who can say where the edge are between surviving and whatever comes post.
so we have a blurry line where enough of me feels freed up from the litany of tasks constantly queued up on days when survival is the sole need and only desire.
a challenge for me is it's virgin territory, this space where the need for surviving has dropped below 100%, below 90% or whatever. all survivors expect to be back there, forced to survive again, one day when mayhem and folly cross paths, or meanness and misfortune collide in your own face, and your own limbs beat at your very own heart.
so we stay primed but nonetheless there is some standing down at hand, suddenly space to "be me" and i have little idea what that entails in this age of my life.
i have inklings, for these spans ahead, that i'm supposed to become more and more knowledgeable of the unalterable truth that I Am Love.
amen to that, hallelujah, et cetera.
so we each are Love, a prioria and tbh. it's what we're made of like waves are made of the ocean, and bodies are made of stardust, and maybe this billions year old carbon we inhabit is sensate and Eternal, but Love is. Love Is. it's the single, cardinal Truth of our existence.
so given that, the most natural thing i can think—where inkling itself feels—is I Am, To Be, Love. I Am to Be Love. I Am Love. I am.
so that's all sweet and rockin' and it has a strong and immediate corollary. If this state and understanding of my being is True, then what about the ego self that thinks no, i am small and separate and so is everyone else, thinks that i am and we are not the ocean but merely a wave cut apart from eternal Source....
despite strivings to know myself as other than a tiny speck, i have spent years living under that limiting belief; that mindset smallifies, and sometimes being small is needed to be fine grained enough to deal w/ multiple, unpredictable, nuanced threats. these could be demons of sleep or embodied creatures but they take space that could otherwise be spent of being Large.
hence, i celebrate that i even have time to makes these considerations, and write down these words.