that same afternoon

the "Inside PTSD" collection:

  1. inside ptsd
  2. inside ptsd, the mad list
  3. inside ptsd, backstory
  4. inside ptsd, fleeing
  5. inside ptsd, two
  6. inside ptsd, remediation
  7. inside ptsd, three, rage
  8. inside ptsd, transaction costs
  9. time shift, inside the ptsd
  10. time shift three
  11. time shift two, still inside the ptsd
  12. inside ptsd, the addiction episode
  13. survive vs heal
  14. inside ptsd, body knows
  15. inside ptsd, body knows, part one
  16. one hour
  17. that same afternoon
  18. inside ptsd, more than a recollection
  19. inside ptsd, body knows 2
  20. acceptance.
  21. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
  22. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
  23. inside ptsd, a student of trauma
  24. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
  25. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
  26. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
  27. inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
  28. acute
  29. inside my midlife ptsd
  30. one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
  31. inside ptsd, mere survival
  32. inside ptsd, economics
  33. one day, at night, inside ptsd
  34. on the outside, looking in
  35. inside ptsd, in the wind
  36. inside ptsd, in the wind, two
  37. a is for anxiety
  38. inside ptsd, the last match
  39. inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
  40. inside ptsd, outside looking in
  41. Day Three, Haunted
  42. inside ptsd, what it is
  43. inside ptsd, it takes time
  44. inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
  45. before the aftermath

possibly related

trippy morning, now, that afternoon.

orienting.

have metaphorical pen & ink at hand, beverages and tabasco, a hat if i get cold.

  1. i feel more grounded than at 8:11am today

  2. i worked for that

here's what i did (and here's me feeling blessed and grateful for the privilege of any of this, if not always the experiences themselves, then for the chance to witness, to catch a glance at All Love, like Bierstadt seeing Yosemite in his fullest heart, and having the skill to share; bless.

grounding

here's what i did:

  1. paused and felt blessed, and said Thanks!
  2. i didn't plan that, but out of all humanity who has ever lived, i can walk and see and suffer no torment. i can think and laugh and dance...
  3. oh my, to live with an open heart on a blessed day is heaven.

It took hours mind you, to go from place a to place b this morning; to continue (for the historical record):

  1. was grateful
  2. found a warm spot to sit, and situated myself next to a soothing brick wall
  3. sat in a centered way, and relaxed my shoulders
  4. looked around the space, sensed with my neurons and intuiton how much threat was there then?
  5. ate healthy food
  6. wrote.

resourcing

i have these words, these very words that i put down that one day called now. Bless.

Privilege upon gift, i so get. I am so grateful for all of it.

I have these words, and in my pocket are 14 notes about aspects of this essay series, promises to never forget a kindness, a phrasing that lessened the darkness within me.

Never despair. It's not worth it.

fellow travelers

at times, like the back counter wait-staff at the pizza and ale place, you meet survivors like yourself, people who when you ask how they fare (in whatever colloquial suits the moment) reply w/ the local variant of "i'm still here, man, just kickin' it." which means, i live still, and the man and the demons haven't gotten me yet, so today is a good day, or at least okay, and we meet there, and concur that surviving till 10pm is an accomplishment worthy of this small moment of brotherhood.

The day continues.

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