the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
trippy morning, now, that afternoon.
have metaphorical pen & ink at hand, beverages and tabasco, a hat if i get cold.
i feel more grounded than at 8:11am today
i worked for that
here's what i did (and here's me feeling blessed and grateful for the privilege of any of this, if not always the experiences themselves, then for the chance to witness, to catch a glance at All Love, like Bierstadt seeing Yosemite in his fullest heart, and having the skill to share; bless.
here's what i did:
- paused and felt blessed, and said Thanks!
- i didn't plan that, but out of all humanity who has ever lived, i can walk and see and suffer no torment. i can think and laugh and dance...
- oh my, to live with an open heart on a blessed day is heaven.
It took hours mind you, to go from place a to place b this morning; to continue (for the historical record):
- was grateful
- found a warm spot to sit, and situated myself next to a soothing brick wall
- sat in a centered way, and relaxed my shoulders
- looked around the space, sensed with my neurons and intuiton how much threat was there then?
- ate healthy food
i have these words, these very words that i put down that one day called now. Bless.
Privilege upon gift, i so get. I am so grateful for all of it.
I have these words, and in my pocket are 14 notes about aspects of this essay series, promises to never forget a kindness, a phrasing that lessened the darkness within me.
Never despair. It's not worth it.
at times, like the back counter wait-staff at the pizza and ale place, you meet survivors like yourself, people who when you ask how they fare (in whatever colloquial suits the moment) reply w/ the local variant of "i'm still here, man, just kickin' it." which means, i live still, and the man and the demons haven't gotten me yet, so today is a good day, or at least okay, and we meet there, and concur that surviving till 10pm is an accomplishment worthy of this small moment of brotherhood.
The day continues.