the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
time shifts and exec functioning
Executive Functioning. Right! What a lovely pair of words. It conveys such moneyed gravitas in the face of storms of commerce and money shifting. Alas.
I have diminished executive functioning these days. There, i said it. It's like admitting to a key weakness that can be used against me. It's like saying i can't run as fast as i used to, i can't leap low walls or ones high like i used to with ease. I am vulnerable. All i have left are guile and a history of decisions made and consequences lived with. That will have to suffice.
I know people, for real, who can make reservations six, or even eight months in advance. i'm not kidding! i'm having a hard time making reservations 6-8 days out, and more often than not making it through today is as much work as i can handle.
I heard one man say to another, men a few years old than my 52 years, 'i powerwash it every five or six years.'
I for real nearly screamed. WTF?! What could that even mean? Who could find that kind of rhythm and velocity here on planet earth.
Probably good to break out a little Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj here. Epic gent, India, 1970s and before. He said there's not one world, but many. In fact, there is a world for each of us. That's the only way i could survive the powerwashing experience. Breathe. They live in different worlds than i, entirely. As must you. That is profound.
My time-framing has shifted, feels irretrievably altered from what it was before—before ptsd when i was younger.
My ability to manage the mental tasks of envisioning the future with any granularity have fled, or where burned our or expired on their own. The month known collectively as "August", for example, is an abstract star system where even pi is different.
every day the morning's task is to evade catastrophe, avoid stray bullets, convince the executioner to turn elsewhere, to move down the list, take someone else.
Maybe there's a better way, a path where everyone wins, All Love truly, but in the meantime, here-and-now, the price must be paid, always, by me or someone else.
The challenge lies in a thousand near misses every day; it takes its toll. it's every time i don't get hit by a car, don't have an aneurysm, don't get lab results that digress from a life well lived. and love, we gotta love.
i remember different times, when the kids were little, where time moved hardly at all. Now it races by at 1400 mini-episodes per day, fourteen hundred somewhat messy moments every 24 hours. Living till August is 1400 times how ever many days that is from now, and i have 300 episodes to dart through before sleep.
inside the inside.
Inside, i am good. way good. i feel mad blessed. I will try to explain in the future how that is so, but wow. i am more grateful than ever i've been.