the "Inside PTSD" collection:

  1. inside ptsd
  2. inside ptsd, the mad list
  3. inside ptsd, backstory
  4. inside ptsd, fleeing
  5. inside ptsd, two
  6. inside ptsd, remediation
  7. inside ptsd, three, rage
  8. inside ptsd, transaction costs
  9. time shift, inside the ptsd
  10. time shift three
  11. time shift two, still inside the ptsd
  12. inside ptsd, the addiction episode
  13. survive vs heal
  14. inside ptsd, body knows
  15. inside ptsd, body knows, part one
  16. one hour
  17. that same afternoon
  18. inside ptsd, more than a recollection
  19. inside ptsd, body knows 2
  20. acceptance.
  21. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
  22. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
  23. inside ptsd, a student of trauma
  24. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
  25. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
  26. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
  27. inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
  28. acute
  29. inside my midlife ptsd
  30. one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
  31. inside ptsd, mere survival
  32. inside ptsd, economics
  33. one day, at night, inside ptsd
  34. on the outside, looking in
  35. inside ptsd, in the wind
  36. inside ptsd, in the wind, two
  37. a is for anxiety
  38. inside ptsd, the last match
  39. inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
  40. inside ptsd, outside looking in
  41. Day Three, Haunted
  42. inside ptsd, what it is
  43. inside ptsd, it takes time
  44. inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
  45. before the aftermath

possibly related

the night is

and so am i, still.

i take stock, assessing my daily toil.

did i show up to Love today? actually, i did. so i got lucky to be writing this now.

was i kind? yes.

did i feel joy? luckily, yes!

was i decent to my body? yes, intake was not bad and i went dancing. sleep adequate, though it's almost 1:13am.

this is not an entry about nightmares. bless that.

this is about believing that each day has to matter, that this day may be my last, and if i messed anything up, i want to come clean w/ it, at least to myself. i don't want to be dying having just fucked up royally, even inadvertently, and have to come back in lesser circumstances to deal with it.

demons were sniffing around today, very old ones, rage one and festering pain ones... imagine a small child, newly born, dazed, helpless, unknowing, without guile or resource save parents, 'parents', whomever. For most infants, it works out; they are loved and held and made to do with word and deed that they are wanted and in unspeakable ways are precious even to these gigantic grownups. Bless that.


but sometimes demons swarm the court and evade censure and they burn and rage and destroy. sometimes they lodge inside the flesh and apartment of a new mom, a mom perhaps made pregnant by rape, in war, long ago, too young and scared and near broken and now an infant from the blood of her most horrific terror, and that child must be shunned and rejected and cast away like a demon seed, b/c in fact, by definition, he is.

i do not mean that term in the pejorative sense, far from it. i mean it in the contextualizing sense, like if you know cacti are from desert climes, their flesh makes sense—ferns they are not.

but to be born to a mother thus tormented guarantees by a hundred viewpoints, that the mother will be stressed, and will have distress dealing w/ the baby, and in many case, to the point where the baby must go b/c its safety (and the mother's sanity) cannot otherwise be assured.

baby is rejected at its most vulnerable, love-needing moments, rejected by the only person who brought him to the world.

those demons came today, from afar, a violent, virulent stream of polluted energy that inhabits people and lives with them for decades, lifetimes, and spreads out at times like a strong cancer that is passed by simple word of mouth.


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