the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
the day hits
sometimes it hits hard, a 3am nightmare contorted into its own pain, vigil from then till dawn, jagged sleep broken by 6am mechanisms—a half step behind the rest of humanity before eyes are fully open. None of this forgives the day's duties, of course, nor sways the 4 billion or so who slept well, and are better equipped to deal w/ today. It's just math after all.
the day hits and decisions are, and must be made: how to play these first moments of daylight. Reeling? fighting back? checking out or beavering away in the alchemy of your soul for that certain elixir that will unlock all answers, plus eternal youth.
the day hits and you gotta deal: 1) are we under attack? God willing (!) no, please, so move on 2) what now? tea?
the next minute comes hard after that.
gratefulness, as soon as possible
i am blessed.
i get to feel loved, and Loved and grounded and i know my breath and i accept like the best.
i try really hard to be good, and i own my own failings.
a realization that knowing pain is the fast track to compassion, b/c if i can feel this, then imagine if it was worse.
no, don't do that. it hurts too much.
when i know pain, when it hurts to be alive, then i find a softer heart for the suffering of others.
on my knees.
thank you, that it's not harder for me here, that it's not more dire for those i love.
somewhere, a young woman of 30 is expressing herself with surety and truth, coming into her own, not being violated or beaten or abused.
violence against women is the scourge and shame of mankind.
so, what to do? bless everything in your path, of course, then take it from there.
the ones i love
i let the ones i love one by one fill my thoughts, and i rejoice that i am not on my way to the hospital or jail or morgue to attend some unasked-for mayhem.
that's when this day feels so short, so precious. i'll never be this young again, this naive, this far from death.
there's so much i want to do, but i must be unattached—more work that—so much before end of life, he writes, hoping it's still too soon...
Now! Right, i've got you for another minute or two dear reader. What's the best use of that time save sheer gratitude?
you are loved (see below). but in the meantime, bless, please. We are so lucky to be sharing these words across whatever time and space divides us. say thanks, i have no other advice; i'll leave off now.
you are loved. that's what i want on my gravestone. that's my epitaph. In the face of that, i will slow my words, and leave you with deepest wishes for your eternal well-being :-) m