the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
and i told her i get 4-5 anxiety attacks every week, and started describing how they are this slow dread bumping into me like a mobile fog of pre-fear, and how i can't usually identify the trigger, it's just there, and the next minutes or hours of my day are now radically different, b/c now i have this crazy amorphous mass to deal with... my body is quickly on alert and looking over my shoulder and patting my pockets for my wallet and emergency cash...
[from other article]
most triggers i don't figure out; i'm suddenly inundated and here we are.
Anxiety is like curiously watching with growing dread the ceaseless drip of a sedative through an iv into your flesh, while through the side of your mouth protrudes a wide straw anchored in a plastic lid above 32 ounces of iced black coffee, third one of the day. hands pound out rhythms against my pants...
The anxiety above is little 'a' anxiety, the capital letter an artifact of it coming first in the sentence. that word needed to go first.
But capital A Anxiety, ouch. That is massive.
The big aim is to get the threat level down, from blood-red to a more autumnal amber, and from there to green. Said perceived threat is internal more than outside usually, but external scanning comes first, orienting, assessing resources, making contingency plans.
Only then can i breathe deep, only then can i root down through my feet to feel the deep rich ground beneath. A sip or restoration then vigil, then back again for another dram of oxygen through some steam-punk bamboo canula.
I didn't realize this word was named after actual ants, but have you ever seen ants chillin'? They are always on the move. They are ant-ish, ant-sy.
I have had the immense good fortune to visit Yosemite in California. It exists with such a distinct energetic vibration, that i'm sure i could be blindfolded and placed there, and i could smell the contours of that presence.
Some moments are slow-motion, exquisitely so. The sweet ones, the kind are such a joy to go through. The dread ones, well, the opposite.
Forever is tiring. Constantly is a lot of work. Always is hard, and always on is harder still.
there's an 'a' in there, but whatever. fear clouds, drains, demands, misleads and identifies that which we must pay attention to.
Half Dome, 2/3 mile straight up, sheer, vertical, like take an ice covered lake and rotate it 90 degrees and convert it to granite. Massive.
"A"nxiety is massive, too. It possesses the force of gravity which pulls you towards it. Despair is similar.
Waves blindside me, sneak in unseen, and topple my insides. Anxiety comes quickly, but not very quickly. It creeps in dreadly ways.
Props to crocodiles, 300 million years of existence is a good run!
- perpetration is a distinct energy.