the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
in our last episode, we were recounting the extreme totality of the flash back experience i have 14feb2015 west of chicago. i was 19 again, fleeing, always scared, driving, scanning the horizons and sky about for haven, safety, a corner i could defend myself in.
i'm 51 now, but in an instant by body was 100% re-experiencing the terror we felt inside and out all the time back then. you know how smells are evocative, and suddenly if it's a loving memory, a feeling of goodness emanates slowly outward from your olfactory systems, even if it happens quickly you can feel the delicious wave of enjoyment move through your body, filling slowly the tissues of one's being. the flashback was different b/c its shockwave blew through me at near instantaneous speeds—like go watch a vid of an explosion where you can see the energy screaming towards you, flattening everything in its path. so it hit that hard: difference one.
difference two, compared to warms cinnamon rolls or your choice of yummy recollection, this filled every nuance of the body. no cell, no shadow-spot, no sinewy crevice was spared the instant flattening.
difference three, it was extremely unpleasant, specifically bc it made me very afraid for my own survival.
almost a try
but that was 11 days ago, and what i'm here to reflect upon this morning is how intensely that flashback affected me, and i've been searching for analogy all day, and the best i can come up with is this: go watch a vid of "rugby's finest smashes and hits". Go check out those dudes running with the wind when all of a sudden this monstrously huge other dude comes slamming into you at full speed, a 200 pound solid block of flesh bent on nothing but driving itself through you with no heed to consequences. and all this you don't even glimpse out of your right eye, prepping as you are to leap that third dude you see coming who's diving for your legs. and you would have made it—then BAM!¡ KerPow!!
a 200 pound man pile-driving at top speed his body through your torso hurts. when i was 23, i could have taken such a beating and get right back up and keep running. now, i stay down. that's the part i don't like. these beatings hurt more now that i'm older, b/c not only is there pain, but shortness of life, a vivid clarity of how much less time i now have left.
like old people and falling; that's something that never made sense to me as a kid or young adult. you fall, you get up. What else? What else indeed, and that's the seed of tragedies and finals acts both.
breathe deep. there's more. we're not here just to suffer the decay of flesh, but in that disintegration to realize there is bounteous Love all around us, in us, made of us and we of it.
there's more, way more—just hard to remember laying on the ground face pushed into the grass, your energetic center still ten feet into the ground, your body in pain everywhere.