the "Inside PTSD" collection:

  1. inside ptsd
  2. inside ptsd, the mad list
  3. inside ptsd, backstory
  4. inside ptsd, fleeing
  5. inside ptsd, two
  6. inside ptsd, remediation
  7. inside ptsd, three, rage
  8. inside ptsd, transaction costs
  9. time shift, inside the ptsd
  10. time shift three
  11. time shift two, still inside the ptsd
  12. inside ptsd, the addiction episode
  13. survive vs heal
  14. inside ptsd, body knows
  15. inside ptsd, body knows, part one
  16. one hour
  17. that same afternoon
  18. inside ptsd, more than a recollection
  19. inside ptsd, body knows 2
  20. acceptance.
  21. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
  22. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
  23. inside ptsd, a student of trauma
  24. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
  25. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
  26. inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
  27. inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
  28. acute
  29. inside my midlife ptsd
  30. one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
  31. inside ptsd, mere survival
  32. inside ptsd, economics
  33. one day, at night, inside ptsd
  34. on the outside, looking in
  35. inside ptsd, in the wind
  36. inside ptsd, in the wind, two
  37. a is for anxiety
  38. inside ptsd, the last match
  39. inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
  40. inside ptsd, outside looking in
  41. Day Three, Haunted
  42. inside ptsd, what it is
  43. inside ptsd, it takes time
  44. inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
  45. before the aftermath

possibly related

What is staggering, is how true the details are, ptsd that is... triggered state.

Detail: it's grueling. I estimate it takes, or takes away, at least 90 minutes per day. In addition to that, more sleep is required, and the penalty for getting too little rest is double what it was 2 years ago.

In the last 24 months, to give context, i was dragged into a decade's old trauma and upon me, rage was directed. Old world enmity fired into my body-mind.

The reverberations continue, and appear long-lasting.

And all this has re-kindled decades old traumas of my own, gunpoints endured, and body-mind were right back where they were 30 years ago. But we survived, and we survive still. That counts for a lot.

insistnent now

another thing about ptsd—and what i find fascinating is that i am going through many of the same things i went through in my 20's, immediate post-near death. Now, wow. Now is lived inside a rolling 90 minute caravan, about 77 minutes ahead, 13 behind—assessing, looking for clues as to what might be.

I have only capacity for right now. There is no qi standing around waiting to be deployed on imaginary quests, the future, what might never be. The older one gets, the larger grows the truth of what will never be. One must learn to be content with what is.

I dig the wisdom of old age; i just didn't expect to be here so soon. I had hoped for a decade of middle age, a studious time to write and reflect as a fledged my kids and settled into a graceful waning, then WHAM!!—wtf was that!??

Seriously, bam! trauma intrudes and changes everything. And what trauma does is impact you (for forgive me you who hate that as a verb). Trauma slams into you and knocks you into an unyielding wall and it wicked bad hurts, plain and simple. Pain that.

But i'm not enduring _. I think half my life is seeking out the painful living stories in this world, to assure myself that it truly could be worse. That's a tiny ledge to hold onto, but thank you, You, whoever You are who are mightier by far than i. Thank you. I get it; it's mad here, and it gets crazy fast. And pain, it can cut deep. I get. I way get.

Please, spare us hell.


What do i mean by choosing that word? What is grueling?

One of the insights i had this past fifteen months is that one of the key assets that is worthy of tracking is capacity. That is, your potential and daily energy combined in motive action living itself out through you in what we call life.

Bless all that.


fuckin' a. Rage is harsh, and hard to endure.


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