the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
What is staggering, is how true the details are, ptsd that is... triggered state.
Detail: it's grueling. I estimate it takes, or takes away, at least 90 minutes per day. In addition to that, more sleep is required, and the penalty for getting too little rest is double what it was 2 years ago.
In the last 24 months, to give context, i was dragged into a decade's old trauma and upon me, rage was directed. Old world enmity fired into my body-mind.
The reverberations continue, and appear long-lasting.
And all this has re-kindled decades old traumas of my own, gunpoints endured, and body-mind were right back where they were 30 years ago. But we survived, and we survive still. That counts for a lot.
another thing about ptsd—and what i find fascinating is that i am going through many of the same things i went through in my 20's, immediate post-near death. Now, wow. Now is lived inside a rolling 90 minute caravan, about 77 minutes ahead, 13 behind—assessing, looking for clues as to what might be.
I have only capacity for right now. There is no qi standing around waiting to be deployed on imaginary quests, the future, what might never be. The older one gets, the larger grows the truth of what will never be. One must learn to be content with what is.
I dig the wisdom of old age; i just didn't expect to be here so soon. I had hoped for a decade of middle age, a studious time to write and reflect as a fledged my kids and settled into a graceful waning, then WHAM!!—wtf was that!??
Seriously, bam! trauma intrudes and changes everything. And what trauma does is impact you (for forgive me you who hate that as a verb). Trauma slams into you and knocks you into an unyielding wall and it wicked bad hurts, plain and simple. Pain that.
But i'm not enduring _. I think half my life is seeking out the painful living stories in this world, to assure myself that it truly could be worse. That's a tiny ledge to hold onto, but thank you, You, whoever You are who are mightier by far than i. Thank you. I get it; it's mad here, and it gets crazy fast. And pain, it can cut deep. I get. I way get.
Please, spare us hell.
What do i mean by choosing that word? What is grueling?
One of the insights i had this past fifteen months is that one of the key assets that is worthy of tracking is capacity. That is, your potential and daily energy combined in motive action living itself out through you in what we call life.
Bless all that.
fuckin' a. Rage is harsh, and hard to endure.