the "Inside PTSD" collection:
- inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, the mad list
- inside ptsd, backstory
- inside ptsd, fleeing
- inside ptsd, two
- inside ptsd, remediation
- inside ptsd, three, rage
- inside ptsd, transaction costs
- time shift, inside the ptsd
- time shift three
- time shift two, still inside the ptsd
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode
- survive vs heal
- inside ptsd, body knows
- inside ptsd, body knows, part one
- one hour
- that same afternoon
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection
- inside ptsd, body knows 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 2
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 3
- inside ptsd, a student of trauma
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4a
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 4b
- inside ptsd, the addiction episode, part 5
- inside ptsd, more than a recollection, part 2
- inside my midlife ptsd
- one day—the daylight part—inside ptsd
- inside ptsd, mere survival
- inside ptsd, economics
- one day, at night, inside ptsd
- on the outside, looking in
- inside ptsd, in the wind
- inside ptsd, in the wind, two
- a is for anxiety
- inside ptsd, the last match
- inside ptsd, addicted to addiction
- inside ptsd, outside looking in
- Day Three, Haunted
- inside ptsd, what it is
- inside ptsd, it takes time
- inside ptsd, the plea for understanding
- before the aftermath
Fuck! i did not want to be here, where my muscles don't fit in my body, where my dear nervous system feels danger in ten times as many places as a week ago, where my brain must sort out 10 times as many false alarms, where my adrenals are kicking out stims to keep me alert, and on, and vigilant, where all that exists is this smoggy now, this bubble a few minutes. a few meters in every direction, can't see out past the imprisoning bubble to the Light, little Light shines through, so i have to call on deep reserves, beleifs that we will get through this, that it will pass, that my life is not as precarious as it seems, lay lay, lay low, duck and run then cover and find your perimter now now now!
We're all working too hard, borrowing from the future, literally shortening our life span and we watch it and know it. Days are being sheared off my life every hour, 80 years old they say i might like, try 79..78..77..76, run, outrun, faster now until your heart explodes and you cause death before death finds you.
Breath, even deliberate breath, comes shallow and forced and slow and unsatisfying, and we try again b/c it's better than pure panic and it is a memory we cling to, breathe, keep breathing. it's harder to be killed or die outright if i'm breathing.
Nothing makes sense b/c everything is a threat, magazine on the table reminds me we are being lied to by sinister rich people hoping to keep us down and dumb and blind another generation longer, so they can more consolidate their wealth, calm people on the couch freak me out b/c either they're about to get blindsided and who wants to watch that, or they're wiser than me, not afraid, calmly chewing good food.
Food. there's a chasm, give me food fast when it's time though hunger is a detriment, food, too little, too soon, too much, too fatty, too wrong, fast taken in and either too fast or too quick to shit out. Nothing in balance.
Teetering, sure, go ahead, and while you're at it try toppling, like tip over from sitting to laying out on the floor and giving up. Or quick, pack your shit and run! You choose, now!
So i write, turn my head between words, look up, gasp instead of breathe deep, try to find a writing w/ the typing, it helps, it helps it imagines me space inside to think this out, to see a way fwd that isn't terrified.
So i have tasks i can do, 35 mins then another task, connect with someone in Minnesota, someone i like, so that's good. Then, swim? walk? more coffee? move safe, so no medicating and racing the bike up the avenue. walk, on grass, and try to slow down.
OK, we have a life-plan, which spans about 100 minutes. best i can do. if i'm alive then, we'll take on the next chunk, subject to all manner of change in the meantime.
Thank you for reading this far; take care of yourself. Taking in accounts of these disordered states can be hard work if it stirs up things inside you. Take care, and Love, m
PTSD is trying to settle into my flesh, my soul tissues, my bloodstream, take up lodgement, become a tenent not subject to any kind of eviction. I, i, me, little me is trying to prevent that, so pour boiling oil on their dreams of invasion b/c fuck you demons, so harrassing me, leave me be! Get out and stay out! We'll see how day 4 goes, but battle joined.
We're not going down without a fight this time.
PTSD is substantial. It exists across spans of distance and time; it takes up space, has energetic mass, is. I Am, so in the end... yeah, i'll Be fine but in the meantime, i might not survive, so who cares about infinite bliss if i'm not around to enjoy it.
i enjoin myself
just keep documenting it all boy, i tell myself. that feels important, like acting on behalf of Love when the storm is so fierce and lashing.