the only place
my friend db is right that safety can only exist in the now. it is nothing but a continual, eternal non-stop affirmation that at least for this moment, we are not under attack. This is repeated over and over and over again in a grueling practice of noticing everything, every footfall and crack of sound, every new smell and the motivations of everyone at hand, and everyone in heart. Do that every moment or else.
It's so basic and simple and mandatory that there's not a lot of time left to miss all the cool stuff that won't be lived—all the Joys dabbled into and the Happiness found in off moments when Grace streams in and you get to be glad.
i mourn those unlived bits, but with such tenderness; i can feel them all, their hope to be lived, All Love watching w/ a kind parent's Love. i mourn that i can't Love even harder, and can't make only Space for Love to live in me.
to be glad
being safe is hard work that cannot stop. so i dance, and put down these words and try to make less suffering and thank Creation it's not worse.
we who work this hard just to feel even somewhat safer don't wish for that labor to continue forever but we can't imagine anything else, standing down say, and ceasing to be on guard... can't imagine putting ourselves more at risk of another attack. The beatings are too severe and countless life-hours are devoted solely to avoiding that one particular catastrophe, the one that happened before....
Strategically we must avoid all complacency b/c that's when the demons strike, and statistically this moment is low peril, but demons never stop, b/c they are whipped into frenzies of hate by mayhem and evil, nasty mean things that only know destroy, maim, and terrify.
Fuck them, fuck their meanness.
facing demons has one benefit, if i am strong and pay attention i can learn how to fight back. i can learn to see miracles between each breath, and know Creation's Love in every flower. i can feel Awe, and find myself alone but Loved beyond description.
in a recent grant, i exemplified my own desire to be useful, a chance to add to contemporary understandings of healing, helping create "forward looking approaches to evaluating the affect of sharing body-based resilience and capacity building practices with people who face significant life challenges..." this is dedicated first to those who have low access to traditional strategies for self, family and community restoration. these words are strategy for survival of my own.
rk is my new sobriquet—throwaway of course, now that he showed here—tilting windmills with a gimp leg; demons, time and mean people took a step of mine, slowed my cadence for all time, let us pray.
i had shadows to joust this morning. i am fine, but need to debrief my very own soul. thank you for reading this far, and being curious with Love.
please know i can be sad and content, and Content. it's amazing, really!