in well functioning humanity, the pause is a normal part of every week.
inside ptsd, a pause is so random as to never inspire belief it might come again.
take stock, orient
slow, breathe in. That makes sense. Breathe out.
I know from both direct and anecdotal experience, that this is a crazy way to live, non-stop, striding—half on balance—from moment to fragile, precious moment. But i accept, b/c time feels short.
Pause, spaciousness itself. I once tried to assign homework to a group of mom's about creating mindful space for themselves—one minute i asked, of their time.
No way, they could not comp me sixty contiguous seconds of any of their next seven days. They couldn't honorably offer me those moments. Fifteen seconds i countered. Five??
They agreed to five. You can have five seconds of my time the moms said. It was a lot to ask, i know.
They returned the next week and one mom said 'i hope it's ok i did that breathing thing more than once. It helped me be present, to myself, to my kids' lives....'
Of course i said, please.
So we pause, and offer ourselves time to reflect.
To be honest, this isn't inside ptsd per se, b/c this kind of granting oneself enough room to perceive and breathe is a luxury, a privilege. This is me being kind to me right now, later, and to you dear reader, giving time-out to the onslaught from the time-consuming moments playing out inside ptsd.
Time to reflect? No. That's not part of surviving, not at all.
But now? Perhaps. See if you can get away with it.
Needed to take a break from all the inside ptsd writing, turn the motor off for a few, even though manic brain wants to write non-stop, while body-mind wants to pretend to wisdom and rest a few, pause, stand down. In the meantime:
- tina wanted me to write about ptsd and addiction. ok, in process. :-)
- there's two drafted about anxiety and one about acceptance, same vein.
- i'm good. for me, writing about all this is therapy, is healing, is spaciousness, is dismembering the demons. will write about that later this week.
- in a different thread, thinking about healing or healing and even Healing. What that is has been dogging me since Felix fell and got better.
The first thought i'll put down, and leave further discussions for other days, is that healing is all the mess work of re-balancing our lives once the initial onslaught has been lived through, and a modicum of safety restored. OK, i'll write about trauma, about how it imbalances, and how healing is a restoring of that balance, but the path of getting there will be as different and multi-faceted as a community garden in New York City.
One of the patterns that we teach in the Street Yoga or Each Amazing Breath or Breathing Room projects is Celebration. Find things to celebrate every day; they can be small or mighty, but celebrating, inviting joy and gratitude in the same breath, is a powerful additive to any and all healing that you've ever experienced.
So i celebrate that Pause is possible. It wasn't before, not with what i knew then.
Till next time.