i kept that header from the first installment, birthday 2 years ago when i was turning 52, able to see glimpses outside, beyond ptsd.
i felt beyond ptsd today, only barely, like caught up in these floor-level fogs of despair and low affect that you don't want to kick up knowing they'll swirl up to lungs and nostrils, and we'll be more fucked.
i noted in my self a belief that my very own cells do not have any future-forward memory of things being any better than they are now. instead, i saw being sicker, more crippled, less cogent, duller, poor, beaten.
i saw how that mind- and body-set creates a negative capital, that works against my well-being.
if ignorance is bliss and knowledge truth, i've alit upon the latter side, glad to see the 'enemy', my belief in my own demise. gives me work to do, at that work is to bring Light to the darkness of the misery i 'foresee' for myself.
of course, much of that is inherited from moments ago, when i was dealing w/ baggage from moments before, which in toto was largely brought forward from present moments already lived through.
and the rectification to this morass? the remembrance that there is no future, there is only Now. that's not just lip-service either, but made me feel better, more resolute to carry on and take care of life tasks.
the wisps may linger for decades or till death, the ankle teasing smogs of baggage made. make no baggage dear ones. be Light, and lighter.