the rings of saturn
i was mourning today that i won't live long enough to see most forests and woodlands restored; but, in the same, i can see acting now for things that will bear fruit long after i've lived. that sort of behaviour makes sense, legacy—typical old person stuff.
but beyond ptsd, outside of the storm and past the edges of the abyss, it no longer matters. age becomes less; the weight of living in an aging body disintegrates like plants in a desert, sere, see-through and light. the slightest wind blows right through...
age no longer exists, and i let my body die to mind, i become freer, less bound, and live more as a consequence.
do nothing, yet leave nothing undone.
i can well comprehend the next few days; i will be on time for everything that comes my way, carpool and meetings and dates with myself to walk and write. i will make it through most days at least okay, and that's a lot. but outside a few months from now, i can't effectively or efficiently consider or even think about 'what might be'.
the capacity to imagine 'retirement' or a certain milestones in my children's lives—graduations and new families—is missing. i don't envision all that not happening, there's no alarmism, but my executive functioning in the 'medium-term' is empty. it's only noteworth b/c in my 30's and 40's i was really good at it, and it was a source of entertainment to imagine futures...
but beyond my lifetime—beyond that of my kids even—casting out a hundred years... seeing woodlands lovingly nurtured to become richer and more fertile, gardens everywhere, seeing oceans cleansed and local energy systems common that do not destroy, that is obvious.
i easily see libraries full of new and old, and explorations on-going into our souls and far out into the stars. i can see all that clearly, and see now paths to get there; the path begins with an inhale, everyone, and everyone sincerely inhabiting the space between the breaths.
i can't tell you what you'll find, and beyond "Love, and..." i'll never tell you what to do, but i believe from experience that that space between inhales and exhales is filled w/ Love; and that's enough.
now, and centuries
so that's my self-appointed job, to attend to and live well now, and to tend to centuries. Countless times i have thanked the long dead citizens who planted so many trees that now shine throughout the city. i want to pay it forward and do something thank-worthy, something i'll never live long enough to see bear fruit.
that makes sense.