it's still true though. time is precious or it's nothing
marqpdx [4:59 PM] both, i guess are valid
there has been a rash of writing this past 8 weeks, yay, and i'm super glad to be putting words down. it's a huge part of healing for me, to put thoughts on paper and in so doing give myself more space to witness and behold what is true for me.
take yesterday... i have been sad a lot lately—mourning the accelerated aging from this recent bout w/ ptsd—and i walked in the sun. i appreciated it madly, deeply, truly, and while i walked i sorted the pieces, saw where i feel more vulnerable, more uncertain, and i go there, into the sad places, not to only mourn, but to be wily and make planes, to direct myself to act ever so slightly differently.
Spaciousness to see where best to put my energy, which when it comes down to it is the question we ask ourselves every day of our lives. What now?
Watch babies, they're genius at this; they live immediately, and if you watch them long enough, you'll be able to see them riding the waves that we living amid, the first perky noticing of hunger, the pause to digest that information, the body-mind's recognition that hunger = danger, the immediate cry and rising adrenaline, the mad relief and emotional relief when the breast comes and the milk lets down, warm and right. then pure bliss, b/c all is perfect: the little one is held, safe, warm and fed. Bless.
still in the game...
but seriously, i'm not going away any time soon, no matter how dire it feels. i can't describe it beyond saying it would be rude to everyone who has loved me or cared from me or been kind to me, like it would negate any of the Love i have ever given...
marqpdx [12:39 PM] that's only me, though. i'd never hold anyone else to that standard, but no matter how unhappy i get w/ living, i truly feel my last breaths, were i to leave early, would be even worse. i would regret.
daniyyz [12:40 PM] I hear that, actually for myself too (it's been a struggle but I'm more accepting of that as a Path for me). It confuses my bodymind, requiring so many meetings bc I feel defunct and useless and incapable, but Know I'm Loved so.....
daniyyz [12:41 PM] I have a long history with that edge. It's a slight step back for me but requires so much attention and care.
daniyyz [12:42 PM] So I do understand. And hold no one else to the same. Hell, I might not even hold myself to that in time but, I hope I do
marqpdx [12:42 PM] i am coming to accept that i may feel useless nearly all the time, but even that doesn't justify my checking out early. it just suggests that i should use that 'down time' more wisely and breathe more and pray for and to Love and humble myself in quiet devotion.
marqpdx [12:43 PM] i cannot dishonor all that, all that i have taught or shared, with an early exit.
marqpdx [12:43 PM] makes for interesting days, forcing myself to survive when even that is such effort, but alas, i know myself well.w
marqpdx [12:50 PM]12:50 we're fighting ancient demons sg
marqpdx [12:50 PM] with Love
marqpdx [12:50 PM] the only thing they cannot defeat.
i'm especially grateful today, and am grateful for that
dani: Like woke up crying and then Woke Up