i strive to calibrate even more exquisitely

the "Desire & Gratefulness" collection:

  1. soulwork 101
  2. what is peril
  3. home within, a flowchart
  4. roadmap
  5. desires...

possibly related

i am adept at holding space for big things.

at present, life feels very homeless, and quite unsettled.

but i know that it is i that is unsettled,

the i that mistakes 3d and 4th dimension ripples for Eternal events

temporary experiences for endless

and minor interpretations for wisdom.


it is best, so it seems today—in the internal dialog between me and my ego, if that makes any sense, wherein i try to elevate all of me to instantaneous, ongoing knowings of All Love.

i am seeking like an addict those moments, many of which i have lived, where i am not afraid, where i see all challenges as splendid opportunities for dwelling only in, with mad gratefulness, All Love.

All Love

what do i mean by dwelling in All Love?

well, for me, it is first of all Amazing! It is completely awesome in every day, delightful and safe for everyone. Curiosity supplants survivalism for long moments, sometimes many chained together, of inner and outer harmony. many of the "external bad things", the pollutions of earth and soul, can still be beheld, but i contribute no energy (attention or awareness) to their furtherance. I witness, i behold, i marvel, i Love, i see where Love is in the moment, it is not in any way obscured by fear or other mania.

All Love already is all the time. It Is. It is the definition of is'ness, which is cool. That's very good actually.

So the 'barriers' then between us and All Love are obscurants. Those are energy spasms that disrupt coherence and tend to create chaos. i'm not saying that's all bad; a certain amount of mayhem is welcome, just to keep things interesting, but in the end, the game is Stillness, which is entirely within.

how do i know

how do i know that Stillness is entirely within?

a) i have experienced it directly b) nothing else makes sense c) see a.

Let's take the two premises: 1) that Stillness resides without each of us; and 2) Stillness resides within.


If Stillness resides 'outside' of our own selves, then it must be an independent, separate thing from us, from whatever we as a 'living being' are. So Stillness is other and must be approached, and what, is it 'entrance' we seek? What do we want w/ Stillness if it's not within us. Do we want a sip, to touch, to imbibe it fully? How does one partake of Stillness if it is not within our selves?

I don't ask that rhetorically, b/c i can't imagine Stillness outside myself. It's a fiction to my bodymind, hence i must discard it.


Which leaves us with Stillness being something that dwells within each of us, much the same as each of us can (literally) dwell in All Love. This is the holy grail! Seriously, knowing this, you have instant access to the entirety of Creation. I'm jumping ahead...

Stillness within. Good. B/c that means, and the only way to figure this is to test it yourself, that within each of us is more than enough to live in peace.

How to get there

It has not been easy work for me to gain any of these moments of perfection that i have experienced, but it has certainly been enough to spur me on each day to continue growing toward greater affinity w/ All Love—which means that each moment, i am acting with fullest Grace, and complete awareness of all that is transpiring in what we have conveniently named now.

Breathe, really, it starts there. There is a space between each breath which you can climb into like a curious kid exploring the preternaturally safe cave in the dell behind the back field, at the edge of the forest.

Breathe, and be curious about it. Watch your own self go through all the rituals of breathing, the inhale, the lengthening of the spine, a pause, an exhale of whatever calibre suits you best.

What to do there

Einstein said something about God and the universe. He said he didn't really need God b/c he was still busy being fascinated by the magnificent vastness of Creation. Simply that, be amazed, at where we live in the cosmos, what it is to be alive, to be gifted w/ the chance to experience, on a good day, the best of humankind on planet Earth. Be amazed at the feelings you can have, the exertions you can initiate in your precious body, the interesting thoughts you can think, the insights you can get, the glimpses of something huger, the full bodymind sensation of Awe and Gratefulness that just comes, like a wind blowing or the voice of a dear friend.

Step One, be Awed, like full on lean into the Amazingness of whatever moment you are blessed to be aware.

Step Two, keep breathing. Breathe spaciously enough that you can explore the space between each breath.

Step Three, Come to know your Desires.

Step Four, work in Stillness

Step One, be Awed, like full on lean into the Amazingness of whatever moment you are blessed to be aware.

This one seems simple but it took me a long time. I remember for some reason a particular set of blocks just west of Mt. Tabor in Portland, OR, centered say around SE Hawthorne and 53d, plus or minus a handful of blocks in every direction. It was there more than a handful of times i was gifted with moments of oh my god this is epic! and i'd stop walking and look around to see if anyone else felt it, like an earthquake that we can have anytime, a soulquake,

Step Two, keep breathing. Breathe spaciously enough that you can explore the space between each breath.

Breathe, with Love and curiosity.

That will take a while to learn, maybe weeks or even years. For some, we're on multiple lifetimes learning that single simple task. So be it. Breathe in, pause, and exhale, and pause again, and keep breathing...

Step Three, Come to know your Desires.

Nisargadatta said: "There are no needs, only desires." My first thought was yes! The second one, immediately after, was wait a minute, what about the desire to eat and sleep and drink water, and feel safe. Then i thought, dang, those "needs" are conditional, tbh. Like, if you have some crazy painful fucked up cancer ravaging your body, pain that morphine can't even nudge, then your desire for eat and drink at least will perhaps be non-existent. That is, i believe, b/c there are no needs, only desires.

The core desire is to live well. The core Desire is to be true to yourself. The Core Desire is to return Home to All Love.

small d desires can be winnowed to only the most essential few. most people spend vast amounts of ultimately pointless time being fascinated by objects. the buzz that can be gained from such a hobby is infinitesimally small. small d desires are of the bodymind, and are essential, but need to be engaged w/ prudently, so as not to waste time in tiny sensations, while missing the grandeur of what truly Is.

big D Desires are those that were there at your spawning, and in fact, are largely responsible for your coming into existence in the first place. we are here b/c we Desired to be here. these, for most of us, will need to be gone through, for better and worse, for the experience of it all, the sacred plunging in mentioned before.

What it comes down it is again St. Augustine: Love, and do what you will.

Four, work in Stillness

This means find Stillness within, as noted above, and then do All Love. how do you decide what to do? it is largely a blend of your desires and All Love's. Once you get them largely overlapping, you can go wiild with complete verve, and less petty recklessness.


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